JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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