Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
