I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
