So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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