this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
