I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
