I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
