how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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