I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
why is half of my head shaved?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
