He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
