i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
