A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
