Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Do vagina's smell?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
