Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
