I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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