theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
