The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
