last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
