a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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