I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
