Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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