So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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