You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
