What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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