my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
