Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
