Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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