toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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