I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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