Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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