one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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