We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
