Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
