When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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