It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
