We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
