I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
