His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
nutella sex= disaster
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You made out with two different species that night
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
