i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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