i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
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