He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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