What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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