lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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