I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
