i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
