Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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