Porn is love you can see.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
