My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
