you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
