How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
