We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
