dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
