she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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