The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
