Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
