I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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