I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
